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    Contest Stories

    Funniest or Most Embarrassing Moment


    1.  From time to time I've been known at work to speak some Spanglish. I took a baby out to its parent’s room and proceeded to attempt to tell the man that his baby was hungry. Instead of saying "mucho hambre" I said "mucho hombre". I was essentially telling the guy that his baby was much of a man. He gave me this really weird look. If that wasn't bad enough, the same man later on called the call bell asking for "yellow". I thought he was saying "heilo" which sounds a lot like our word "yellow". I thought the man was asking for ice, so I run in the room with some ice. Once again, this man gives me a weird look because he was trying to speak English and was trying to ask for the yellow pads that we use for the patients. I was trying to interpret his Spanish by thinking he wanted ice. I stayed out of the room after that.


    2.  Ok. While I'm thinking of it... it seems that language interpretation has played a humorous role in my life. There was a Spanish-speaking couple that came in and the husband was trying to speak English. Since his wife spoke no English, we had to look for him for some kind of interpretation. We asked where his wife was hurting. Now, in learning a language, sometimes a person picks up the slang of the language instead of the more proper term. That was the case in this instance. The man quite seriously replied that his wife was hurting in her "whole ass". The poor guy, not knowing the word for "anus" was trying to say "asshole".


    3.  When I was dating in the 70's white go-go boots and short wigs (like twiggy's) was all the go. I had a very important date one weekend and decided to wear my white boots and for the first time, a wig. To anchor the wig to my own hair I used pin curls and bobby pins all over my head.  

    Well, the young man picked me up at my front door and the evening went great until....

    the good night kiss in the front seat of his new mustang. Tilting our heads as is the thing to do in a kiss we touched lips, he was a great kisser and I was sure I wanted a second date with this guy. We kissed and dreamily looked into each others eyes...or that is what was supposed to happen. What happened is I opened my eyes to see him laughing, actually, trying to hold in a laugh. This was not good. I couldn't figure it out until I went to brush a wisp of "hair" from my face and it was not there. Yep: The wig had fallen off and my dream boat was looking at a head full of tiny pin curls that only my grandmother would have been seen in, maybe.  

    There was nothing to do but pick the wig up from the back seat where it so unceremoniously had plopped itself and take my medicine. Many times through the years I have thought of this poor guy. Had it been me looking at his fallen wig, I would never have been able to keep from bursting out laughing in his face. He was such a gentleman and eventually we dated again, but not for a while until I could look him in the face again. 

    By the way, I never wore a wig again!


    4.  Like the time I was at the Brimfield, Massachusetts antique fair, and found TWO Bill Reid prints priced at $30.00 each. What a deal! I whipped out my wallet when asked how I was going to pay for them. "Why, cash, of course." I mean, what's $60 for a pair of Bill Reid prints?  

    (If you ever hang out at Vancouver International Airport (YVR) and need a place to avoid being tasered, then check out his huge sculpture there. Bill Reid was an amazing human being, and an incredible artist.) 

    Just then my companion walked in. It was about the same time the seller of the prints informed me they were $3000 each, NOT $30.00 each. (Although if he wanted that much for them, he should have had them up off the damp ground, and at least cleaned off the glass so a person could SEE the decimal point between the zeroes!) 

    Ok, so I should have had reading glasses on. Or maybe the dude selling them should have had the price tags more clearly printed. Regardless, I was embarrassed and this story continues to be one that my family loves to hear (jerks, eh? ;-). 

    I have since developed a passion for First Nations art, and have several originals and prints hanging in my living room. They help remind me that a good humiliation can last a lifetime.


    5.  I've also done the "skirt hem caught in the top of the pantyhose", but that's happened to most women.  I'm ever-so-glad that I always wore underwear UNDER my pantyhose (some women don't!).


    6.  Then there's me smearing on lipstick instead of chapstick, while in public, and NO ONE told me for 1/2 hour.  Classic Buchanan screw-up!


    7. Of course, once I asked a woman who was not pregnant, but looked it, when her baby was due.  I was VERY young at the time, and it was long before I became pregnant.  At nearly 53, I don't even ASK any more, even if the answer is obvious!


    8.  Then there was the time (also in my early 20s) when I was staying in a posh hotel, went to the party after the party's party, and ended up staggering into the elevator, tipping onto the control panel and managed to light up the button for every floor ... all THIRTY TWO of them ... sheesh.  At the time I was too ... ummm... inebriated to care, but the next day (or rather, later that same day, hung over as hell!), I was reminded by several of the other occupants in the elevator.


    9.  There was the Opening Ceremonies of Expo '86, in Vancouver.  I was fortunate enough to have received an official invitation.  Princess Diana and Chuck (the jerk) were also going to be there.  I went to great pains to sew a beautiful silk dress for myself, buy a hat and embellish it, had on an $80 pair of kid leather pumps (my color theme was deep fuschia and silver-grey), a beautiful little handbag, the whole 9 meters.  My companion and I sat through the entire ceremony.  It was beautiful and about 2 or 3 hours long.  When I stood up, I realized that (oh god) my period had gone from normal to hemorrhage while we were seated.  My companion, a long time male friend, was way more concerned about me than about the mess I was in.  To make matters worse, the public washrooms in BC Place were not yet completed, and I had to beg a female security guard to let me use one of the staff washrooms.  She was wonderful.  She also sent a custodian to clean up the seat where I'd been.  However, in the time it took to wash and dry (using the wall-mounted hand dryer) my saturated silk dress, underwear, pantyhose, pantyhose-holder-upper, etc., we nearly missed our bus back to Vancouver Island, which would have meant a trek through downtown Vancouver, catching a city bus up to the Horseshoe Bay ferry terminal, walking on the ferry, and then trying to figure out how to get from Nanaimo to Port Alberni, normally about a 45 minute drive.  Thank goodness someone convinced our bus driver to wait, although it was much to the chagrin of the other passengers.


    10.  I was in my early teens, and a trained classical pianist.  The annual Music Festival was a BHD (big hairy deal) in our city.  I was alone on the stage.  It was a packed house, and I was seated at the grand piano, put my hands on the keyboard, and nothing.  NOTHING.  Could NOT remember what the hell I was supposed to be playing.  My mother was in the audience, and tended to be my harshest critic.  I could not begin to imagine what she would say.  I sat with my fingers hovering above the keyboard, and still nothing.  Finally, one of the judges stood up and hollered "would someone give her the music please??!!", so a person sitting in the front row jumped up and gave me the music.  

    I put it up in front of me, glanced at the first two bars, and played the entire piece not even looking at my hands, but smiling out at the audience. 

    I got a 98 when the adjudications were completed.  I think it was the highest mark given in that competition.  Thankfully, THAT balanced the deep humiliation of forgetting the piece of music that I had practiced for MONTHS!


    11.  **Finalist** Ya gotta love small towns.  Everybody knows you and pretty much everything you do, right?  Well about fifteen years ago there was a new toy on the market for kids called a "Shout and Shoot".  For those who don't recall this or missed the questionable joy it brought with its residence in your household, read on.   My youngest child was enjoying this new toy he'd gotten for his birthday outside with his older brother and sister.  Western KS gets mighty hot in mid July. We didn't pay much attention, what bad can really happen when kids are playing in the water in the summer, no swimming pool close by mind you.  A while earlier we had heard the fire siren go off, not an unusual sound in the summer as there were frequent grass and stubble field fires because of the heat and dry weather. 

    Imagine my surprise, horror and total embarrassment when the entire volunteer fire department showed up at my house.  Apparently a concerned neighbor had called 911 for the fire department to come to our house (it was the oldest house in town and a historical location having been built by the town’s founding father).  My dear youngest son had chosen the word "FIRE" to activate the new toy to shoot water at whatever he chose as his target.  Thus, the fire brigade came to our house!  All three trucks, and at least 7 volunteer firemen all came running in to see where the fire was and how much damage had already been done.  We explained that there was no fire, no problem, no danger.  About that time the kids all came running in from the back yard to see what was going on.  All the while the youngest is yelling FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE........need I say more?  I don't know who laughed more of all those firemen.  They did ask my youngest if he could find another word to get the toy to shoot water, so no one would think there was a fire in the house again by mistake. 

    I would have loved to be able to fall in the nearest hole and completely disappear and never to have to face those men again.  But every time from then on when I saw one of them they always asked if we were keeping the home fires burning.  :-) 

    It was horrible at the time but I can laugh about it now and perhaps share a chuckle with someone else too.


    12.  Oh, my, I have a lot of them.  But the winner would have to be in Germany in the early nineties.  We were visiting my grandmother so that she could meet her then 5 and 7 year old great grandsons for the first time.  My parents were with us, as were my mother's sister and father's sister.  We all had lunch in a lovely restaurant on the North Sea.  Then we had to make the trek home in two trips, because we only had one car amongst all of us (for that day).  The plan was that my dad would take my grandmother and mother back to her house, and my two aunts, my sons and my husband and I would take a 5 mile walk along the dyke to the next town.  My mother's sister lives in that town, so we'd be closer to her home.  My dad would come to pick us up and get us there at the other end so that he wouldn't have to make the big triangle ride twice, as there are no other roads that meet the dyke.  I suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and had gone to the ladies room in some discomfort.  We all got ready to leave the restaurant and I asked my dad to please wait for me, as I needed to use the facilities again and wasn't up to the long walk.  He either didn't hear me or didn't register the request, because when I got out of the ladies room, he and my mother had left with my grandmother.  I felt a moment's panic and realized that I had to suck it up and make the walk. 

    About two miles into the walk my cramps got to be more and I looked at my husband and said, "That's it, I can't hold it anymore."  I scrambled up the ledge into the undergrowth, thinking I was getting out of the way.  The dyke is heavily traveled by pedestrians and bicyclists.  I dropped my drawers, and got to it...and as the first pedestrians walked by, I realized I had placed myself directly at eye height.  My husband held up his jacket, trying to shield me, but it was of no use.  He just would turn to the Germans going by and say (in English), "Americans, you know how it is..."  And to add injury to insult (yes, I know that it usually is the other way around) I was in a patch of rose bushes.  And yes, they had thorns!

    My aunts had taken the boys and were continuing the walk, so that I'd have a little less of an audience.  When we caught up to them, I told the boys that I'd been a bit embarrassed, but there had been nothing I could do about it.  When my dad met us at the end of the walk he asked if I'd had a nice walk.  The obvious answer was "Not really."  Anyway, we had the last few days of our visit and got back home to Maryland.  A couple of days later we had dinner with some friends.  Upon being asked if we'd had a nice trip, my oldest said, "Yeah, it was great!  And Mom pooped in public!"  It took a few years for me to laugh at that story.


    13.  Ok, here it goes... for posterity and the world.  I'm finally, after 43 years, admitting to this.  And I'm only sharing because January 16th is my birthday-- we share our birthday month.  :)  

    In seventh grade, I had to give an oral book report.  I was terrified of speaking in front of the whole class.  Terrified to petrification.  As I walked up to the front of the room, bright red and trembling with dread, a rather loud fart escaped from my person.  Thinking quickly, I turned and glared at a boy on the aisle.  I managed to give my report, but for all I know I spoke gibberish.  I sat back down with relief the ordeal was over, and pretended not to be totally mortified.  I have no idea if I pulled off the deception, but I've kept my silence until today, 43 years later.


    14.  To humiliate myself, I'll relive this just one more time. When I was 14, two of my girlfriends and I were playing basketball at a local outside court. About 4 really cute guys came by and decided to watch for a while. I wanted to show off my sporty skills and set up this great running shot. As I jumped in the air arms fully extended to make the hoop, I farted. Loud. 

    There, I said it. *blush*


    15.  It happened January of 1975.  How I got the nickname from a friend of

    mine...."The Domino kid."  I was walking back to school after lunch and

    I was talking to someone and slipped on a patch of ice and fell into

    the person in front of me and she slipped and fell into the person in

    front of her and so on (a total of about 6 people fell and looked like

    dominoes happening.  Well my friend saw it and said to his sister, who

    was parking the car "Hey Dominoes!"  He never did let me live that one

    down either.  LOL


    16.  As a child, my father, who was around 5'6", white guy fro, little bit of a pooch and sun baked to a crisp golden brown, would crochet his own banana hammocks and wear them in public. Actually, not just in public, he'd wear them to the only town fitness club and pool in a very small NH town.


    Need I say more?


    17.  **Finalist**  Here is my embarrassing, stupid, and sorta funny story:


    When I was in kindergarten I was playing around in my chair, not listening to the teacher, as usual. As I was squirming around, trying to keep myself occupied, I decided to put my entire body, backwards (legs first), through the wooden chair I was sitting on. I thought it would just be fun to hang out in this position for a while (my head was in the seat of the chair, and my body was behind the chair, feet on the ground, almost in a push up position. the chair was supporting my upper body and my head). All was fine and dandy until I tried to slide back through the chair and sit in a normal position. I was completely stuck! As I started panicking, the teacher tried to help me get out of my chair, and nothing was working. I assume she started to panic as well, so the school called the fire department, of all organizations! By this time I was crying and sort of in pain due to my awkward positioning in my chair. Every kid in the class was staring at me, and I assume some of them were laughing. When the fireman arrived into my classroom, to my surprise he had a chainsaw in his hands! I was so freaked out! I thought he was going to cut my head off, like in the scary movies!! Thankfully, he sawed the chair off of my head and I was free again.


    From that day forth, my kindergarten teachers (I had two of them) told this same story to their new classes, every year. I know this because both my younger sister and brother went to this same school, and they told me that the teacher told them this story.


    I was so embarrassed, scared, and stupid that I never did that again!


    18.  I was working for a weight lost company as a weekly group leader. I had been fighting a headache all day. I probably took too much medication. Anyway, we are supposed to give a little testimony about our experience and weight loss. That night I said I had lost 3 pounds and had kept it off for 35 years. (Obviously the numbers are backwards.) Everyone started laughing. I didn't realize what I had said. One lady told me. Then the jabs started. One person said, Big deal so you've kept 3 pounds off since you were in high school. It went on like that for several minutes. Then a lady said, I'm new tonight and if that's all you've lost then I want my money back.


    19.  My most embarrassing story is very easy to choose.  My DH and I own a small photography studio.  When we were just starting out, the studio was in the lower storey of our home, and the DH still worked outside the house.  I managed the phones and production sides of the business, often in my pajamas since we worked by appointment, and no one was going to just walk in on me.


    Since I was alone, and knowing the importance of every client’s call, I would take the phone with me everywhere.  Doing laundry?  Phone was on the dryer.  Cooking?  Next to the stove.  And you guessed it, into the bathroom with me too.  And sure enough, one day I had just taken my seat, so to speak, when the phone rang.  On the other end was a mom interested in hiring us for her daughter’s wedding.


    “One moment,” says I, cleverly, “I am away from my desk.  Let me put you on hold while I go back and check to make sure we’re available on that date.”  I serenely place her on hold, sit the phone on the tank behind me, and finish my business, tidily flushing it away.


    I pick up the phone and go to press the ‘hold’ button...just to realize I hadn’t put her on hold properly to begin with !  I quickly covered the speaker and mentally cursed a blue streak, realizing she’d heard every tinkle and swoosh.  So much for the professional air I was trying to cultivate to book this wedding!  Figuring I had nothing to lose, I adopted an attitude of poised calm, got back on the line, and pretended to have no idea what she’d been privy to. 


    Once I was able to make myself heard over the giggling, I booked a meeting with her.  I seem to recall we got the wedding, too...but I let my DH take that appointment!


    20.  My funniest story is about a knitted toy class I took at a LYS several years

    ago. We all made felted mouse puppets and mine was all knitted up. All I had

    to do was attach the tail and felt it. I was working away, in class, and

    proudly held up my mouse when I finished attaching the tail. It was aligned

    perfectly except for one thing: I attached it to the FRONT of the puppet

    instead of the back. You can imagine what it looked like!


    Everyone started to laugh and that's when I realized the mistake. My face

    turned SO red and we all had a good laughing session because of this!


    21**Finalist** A higher up at my job was visiting our office from out of town one day….

    I was in the restroom during my lunch break, so was my other coworker which whom I am good friends with, so I thought!…she made a huge sound (if you know what I mean) and had a god awful odor….I said “man, you wreak something awful”….and walked out of the bathroom, when I saw my good friend walking towards me….come to find out the person in the other bathroom stall was the president from out of town!!!!!!  My coworker and her had the same kind of shoes on!!!!!!!!!  To this day, I’m not sure if this woman recognized my voice but every time I speak with her on the phone, I get all red-faced again!!


    22.  When I was a teenager we traveled from Montana to Washington to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousins.  I saw this as a great opportunity to meet some new guys since my cousin was the same age as me.  We had gone down to the local swimming hole and I was dressed to impress in my new white bikini.  As luck would have it, some of her male classmates showed up after we had been in the water for a while.  So we got out of the water and she introduced me.  I thought one guy in particular was pretty cute and I tried to be extra charming.  A little later we walked back home and the guy I'd had my eye on called my cousin and asked to talk to me.  I was thrilled!  I got on the phone expecting a flirty little conversation.  Instead, he asked me, "Is it customary for girls in Montana to wear see through bikinis?"  I was mortified and never wore that bikini again without a t-shirt over it!


    23.  Back in the eighties I finally found a pattern for elastic waist pants that fit.  I made a pair of double knit pants and a double knit top.  I made a belt for the top out of the same wild geometric print as the top.  I was at an outside mall walking from one store to another, feeling very cocky because I had on this new outfit, when I tripped and heard laughter behind me.  Unfortunately I had failed to put belt loops on the top and the belt had slithered down until it reached my knees and tripped me.  I was not bodily hurt but my ego took a huge hit.


    24.  Okay, I had just started a job at the offices of a power tool company. The parking lot was in front of the building, and you had a bit of a hike to get to the front door. I pulled up, got out of my jeep, and waved hello to two handsome gentlemen who were just pulling in. Remember now, I don’t know many people, and not very many know me. I sashayed my way to the front doors, with the guys behind me, the entire time wondering if they were single. I greeted the receptionist cheerfully when I got in, and as she buzzed me through the door, she gasped, grabbed my arm, and pulled me in her office. Apparently I had walked from my house to my car, then from my car to work with my dress and slip tucked carefully into the back of my pantyhose. And I mean the ENTIRE back of my skirt. Luckily I’m the type to wear panties with my hose, or I would have had to quit my job right then. I never even felt a breeze!! The gentlemen (and they were) later told me that they were as embarrassed as I was, but they didn’t know my name yet, so they didn’t know if they should holler to me or not. Nothing like “Hey lady, I can see you’re a$$ from here!” Now there’s the way to start a new job!


    25.  the most embarrassing moment I can think of was about 3 years ago we got some free tickets to a pre-season Bears football game.  Unfortunately, the seats were in different rows and my partner and I sat in one front of the other.  I am a fan of sports and don't really have any specific teams I just like to watch and usually get caught up in the excitement of the game and the people around me.  During the game there was a touchdown and like everyone there I jumped up to cheer on the team.  When I sat back down I put my hand behind me to pat my boyfriend’s leg as a gesture of both affection and excitement.  Suddenly I heard him start to call my name...thinking he wanted to talk about what just happened I turned around and noticed that instead of putting my hand on his leg, I had placed it on the leg of a young lady that was sitting next to him...well I can't even described how red I turned and just kept telling her over and over how sorry I was.  My son and boyfriend just laughed at me the whole rest of the game AND the ride home...


    26.  Hi Brittany:  Here is a “True” and very embarrassing story that happened a long time ago. When I was younger (4 years old to be exact) we often went to Grandma & Grandpa house to visit.  Grandpa would give me & my sister (6 years old) .25 cents to go to the corner store to buy candy. My favorite at that time was blackballs. Grandpa always had rabbits in the backyard.  One day my sister convinced me to give my quarter to

    her for a handful of raisins she had.  Trusting her I agreed, and YES they were NOT raisins but, you guessed it “DROPPING” from Grandpa’s rabbit & I ate the whole handful.  To this day, I cannot eat, look or barely touch these little pieces of “fruit?”  This is now a topic of conversation between my Sister and myself and believe it or not we are the best of friends and I do love her dearly.  Honest.


    27.  Before Christmas I found a video on youtube of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" dubbed over to "I'm bringing sexy back" by Justin Timberlake and sent it to my grand daughter,( Age inappropriate, I know, but that's up to her momma.), who is a big fan of his music.  I called

    a few days before Christmas to hear her tell me all about it, this is what she said,"Noonie, sexy doesn't like you".  She's 4......I'm still laughin.


    28.  Many moons ago when I was young and stupid, as a lifestyle choice and not as an excuse. My best friend Ruth and I were visiting with our friend?... associate/ guy we knew Toby before going to our weekly excursion to The Rocky Horror Picture Show . It was getting late and we went to leave but Toby (a hefty fellow) blocked the door and refused to let us leave unless his fifth of Jagermeister was empty. I looked at Ruth and she replied, "I'm driving." So it fell to me to empty the recently opened bottle. I took a deep breath and took the bottle. Now I will let you in on something we didn't learn until a week later, Toby's roommate, a drag queen soon to be transsexual Montana, had spiked the fifth with "something special".. yeah we will leave it with that. She had intended someone else to drink the bottle so that a special evening could be had. Not only did I drink nearly an entire fifth of Jager but it had a boost of something holy stupid.


    Ruth knew something was wrong as soon as we made it out to the car but she thought it funny that I kept singing the Name Game and we were late to the movie and the fun parts are at the beginning half so we trudged onward. Now we were late and what do young/stupid people do when late? That is right, we speed. The police officer that pulled us over had the unfortunate name of Pukinski, or something along those lines. Puk, Puk, bo-buk,Banana-fana fo-f**k,Fee-fi-mo-mmuck, PUK! Then I blacked out, passed out? All I know is somehow she convinced this nice officer that on a Saturday night, the cute 17 year blonde wasn't drunk she was having an allergic reaction. Her story and she is sticking with it. All I know is a while later I saw columns at a bank and began singing again.


    I barely remember the Madison and the Time Warp. Next thing I know we are at the Waffle House and suddenly an entire group were sitting my table and they were eating my burger. Ruth ran across the restaurant to get me from the table I had wrongly thought my own. She was trying to explain about the Jager and the cop when she was invited to join the group. Six months later the guy who lost his burger to the drunk blonde and Ruth were married and have been for the last fifteen years. +)


    29.  So there I was, 15, nearing the end of my freshman year in high school and loving life. I had a number of friends and things were just peachy. I went to an alternative school, not one for bad kids but one that was run more like a college campus. One of the perks of going to this alternative school was that the students ran a number of things. For instance the "Computer Geeks" kept our school's network running and the "Coke Guys" ran the soda machines. I was in fact friends with both groups throughout my years there but the most intriguing and universally hilarious story comes from my friendship with the "Coke Guys."



    One spring day after we had received the most recent shipment from Coca-Cola the "Coke Guys" decided that they wanted to move all of the Surge into the fruit juice machine and replace the surge slot with more diet coke (or something close to that). We began removing the cans from the slot and passing them across the aisle to the other machine. When there was only one can I left I said to one of the guys:

    "T there is one can left."

    T said "No there isn't"

    I said "Yes, there is" and proceeded to reach in and grab the last can at the same moment that he depressed the little lever that makes cans come out of the machine.



    Yes, as you can imagine the machine tried to dispense my finger along with the can. Fortunately for me, Coca-cola has a safety feature that stops the mechanism from fully rotating if it notices that there is an object in the way. This is mainly to prevent crushing a can of sticky soda that is in the slot the wrong way. So, my left index finger became stuck. I couldn't pull it out and T's face went pale. (I was later told that he was afraid my finger was going to come out the chute and into his hands) It didn't take long for other students to notice something going on and they all came over to gawk.



    Another good benefit to our school was that the seniors do 4 month internships in fields they are considering pursuing. It just so happened that one of their weekly meetings was going on as all of this happened. One of the seniors came over to help me out. He unplugged the machine and was able to manually rotate the dispensing mechanism counter clockwise to release my finger. One of the other seniors, who was interning as an EMT, bandaged my hand.



    I then went to the office called my mother - a nurse - and told her that my finger had suffered trauma and that it was bent funny. (Yes, those were my words) It took her about 10 minutes to make the 15 minute drive to school to pick me up. She un-bandaged my finger deemed it ok but needing stitches and we were off to the ER. I received 3 stitches in my finger and still have a scar.



    When I got back to school that day the Coke machine was out of commission (I think a repair guy had to come in?) and all of the soda options had been changed to display different fingers. Let's just say no one at school ever forgot that. It even came back up during our graduation ceremony when I was being introduced. At least I can laugh about it. :)


    30.  First of all Happy Birthday!  Since you posted your contest on my birthday January 11th I thought I would submit to you for your pleasure my most embarrassing and probably the most hysterical thing that has ever happened to me.  I was injured in an automobile mishap that left me with a very painful spine injury.  I am the mother of four wonderful children and with that being said I shall proceed with the humor.  I was given a tens unit to deal with the pain of my injury.  When I would wear this and the unit was on my children would have to check with me before they could hug me or touch me due to the possible shock value to the person touching me. I could turn the unit off and they could hug me.  Well..We as a family attended an open house at the school.  Due to the fact that I would be walking around I was wearing my tens unit.  We made our way around the school visiting the various classrooms and eventually ended up in the library.  There were quite a few people talking quietly but due to the number of people talking it was quite a bit of rumble.  Out of the blue my youngest son, who was about 4 years of age at this time, yelled out at the top of his lungs.."ARE YOU TURNED ON MOM?!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Everyone in the room stopped talking and looked right at me.  I froze realizing how this must have sounded to all the lovely people who were now looking at me like I was some sort of pervert.  Everyone started to laugh.  Needless to say I was red faced and completely embarrassed at the time and now my family is red faced with laughter as we look back and say "Out of the mouths of babes"


    31.  AN embarrassing moment occurred when I was really young - maybe 3 or so. It must have mortified me since I still remember it vividly and I have a daughter in college (ie it was a long time ago).


    I was shopping with my mother and I guess I wasn't paying too much attention. I looked down into my mother's cart and saw a package of chocolate chip cookies. I picked them up and started shouting "why are you buying these - you know I have them. I only eat home baked chocolate chip cookies". I was about to throw them on the floor when I looked up and the cart owner was a total stranger who looked at me and said "I'm buying them because I like them. I'm not as lucky as you to get home baked cookies".


    I wanted to disappear. I ran over to my mother and tried to hide.


    32.  Embarrassing moments, oh let me see,

    There are so many that have happened to me.

    There was the time that my slip fell down,

    In middle school, it was the talk of the town.


    And then in high school there was this boy,

    I thought he liked me, I was filled with joy,

    But it turned out it was the other girl with the same name,

    I was so embarrassed I thought I'd die of shame.


    And then there was the time that I fell,

    And dropped all the dishes, I don't need tell.

    What happened with the potatoes, the meat and the peas,

    People started slipping, they fell to their knees.


    And there was the time that I got the date wrong,

    Arrived at a party, dressed in a sarong,

    But the party had been the week before,

    And the hosts were not expecting guests anymore.


    I could go on and on with this list.

    But I think this set will give you the gist,

    Of my embarrassments, my life of gaffs,

    But in retrospect they're good for some laughs.


    33.  **Finalist** I was 18 years old, living with my boyfriend-soon-to-be-husband.  Since I was only 18, I was still on my mom's insurance.  Keep that in mind.


    So the boyfriend and I were, um, having a moment.  We lived in a studio apartment, so the couch was our landing pad of choice.  Alright, so we're about to get our freak on, and I slip.  My hand slides between the couch cushions and my wrist snaps back.  Ow, pain, ow, f-word here and an f-word there, here a f, there an get the picture.  I have the boyfriend call my mommy, and tell her I gots an owie.  She picks me up, and takes me into the ER. On the way there, she tells me in a very firm voice, that I am under no circumstances to tell them how I hurt myself, that it was embarrassing.


    We get there, they triage me, and take me in a room for x-rays and such. The doc asks me how it happened.  "I can't tell you".  Well, I need to know how this happened, miss.  "I'm sorry, but if I tell you, my mom will kill me!”  Mind you, I'm pretty sure I was giggling as I said this, not realizing what would happen next.  Within 30 minutes, the police were there with a social worker wanting to speak to my mother in regards to my 'assault'.  Um, wha?  I started cracking up, and said "For crying out loud! I was trying to screw my boyfriend and slipped!"  My mom with her head hanging down, and the cops laughed and left.  We never spoke of it again.


    Then there was this time at band camp......


    Oh yeah, and my wrist was broken *snicker*


    34.  ***Finalist and Runner Up*** This is absolutely (unfortunately) true:


    When Roadchick was still just a Roadchicklet and in high school, she had A Crush on a Teacher. Not just any teacher, mind you. He was a new teacher (just out of college with the ink barely dry on his teaching certificate) and also a football and wrestling coach. And, absolutely adorable. Absolutely.


    Roadchicklet was about 16 years old and madly in love with the Coach, who was also her Geometry for Idiots teacher. There was much adolescent mooning around and contrived reasons to speak to the Coach.


    One rainy afternoon, Roadchicklet and another smitten female decided it would be very cool to do a drive-by of the Coach's house (where he lived with his older brother, also a Coach and Teacher at the same high school).


    So, being very cool, the pair c r u i s e d by sloooowly with much giggling involved. Then, rode around the block and c r u i s e d by sloooowly again, still giggling.


    Hee hee - isn't that his car in the driveway? Why yes, it is. Hee hee hee.


    A few minutes later, another slooooow drive by. Giggling ensues.


    A few minutes after that, following much circling of the block, the girls get bolder.


    (Y'all know that this is not going to be good, right?)


    Instead of circling the block, this time the girls decide to turn around in the driveway.


    Bad idea.


    Bad, bad idea.


    You see, Patient Reader, it had been raining. For several days. And the driveway was gravel and mud. Do you see where this is going?


    Smitten Girlfriend pulls into the driveway and puts the car into reverse. She gently presses the accelerator. And promptly sinks to the axles in mud and gravel.


    (The only good thing Roadchick can say about this is - at least she wasn't driving and it wasn't her car.)


    The car is stuck. Stuck fast. As in concrete. Not moving.


    Oh no.


    Much quick thinking is going on in the car.


    There is no alternative option available so Roadchicklet and Smitten Girlfriend get out of the car, sinking to the knees in mud and gravel and start making their way to the front door.


    The shame and embarrassment are nearly overwhelming but again - there are no other options. This was before the days of common cell phone ownership and even if they had one - no way to avoid detection.


    They ring the doorbell and Coach Adorable opens the door. Roadchicklet and Smitten Girlfriend do their best to act surprised that Coach Adorable lives in this particular house on this particular street.


    They explain the situation and Coach Adorable looks over their shoulders to see the car mired in his driveway. Fortunately Coach Adorable's older brother is NOT at home - yet.


    Coach Adorable makes his way out to the car and has to help PUSH the car out of the mud, getting liberally coated in mud in the process. Roadchicklet is ready to die of embarrassment. She offers a pan of brownies, completely homemade as a bribe for his silence.


    Coach Adorable agrees not to say anything (yeah, right!) in exchange for brownies.


    The next day, Roadchicklet delivers the promised brownies to school. When she gets to Coach Adorable's brother's class (he taught biology), she was treated to a few rather cryptic comments regarding mud and brownies and driveways and cars. She wanted to sink through the floor. Coach Brother agrees to keep silent in exchange for chocolate chip cookies.


    A couple of years later, when Roadchicklet was graduating, she received a present from the Coaches. It was a pan of brownies with a Matchbox car sunk in the middle.


    35.  Went to a baseball game with my husband last season.  After several innings and a large glass of beer it was time to go to the restroom.  After I finished my task, I stood in a VERY long line to get some goodies.  With my arms full I returned to my seat.  Of course several people had to stand up to let me slide by them.  As I got ready to sit down my husband said "do you know you have a toilet seat cover hanging out of the back of your pants?!?!?"


    36.  As a teen I was somewhat self conscious and usually wore jeans and baggy tee shirts well one day a friend called and asked me to go hang out in town well I decided to get over myself and wear this mini dress I had hiding in my closet I was a size 3 and looked really nice in it well long story short while walking to the car after a fun day the wind kicks up and my dress pulls a marylin Monroe(over a vent) deal in the middle of the parking lot beside a major highway. I don’t think I have ever been more embarrassed that definatly beat out the first day of high school when I accidentally walked into the boy’s bathroom


    37.  **Finalist** I was 19 yrs old and sitting in my favorite bar having drinks with some friends (back in the day when you could drink at 18). The bar had bowls of peanuts which you would shell and drop the shells on the floor.


    There was this handsome guy that was sitting at a different part of the bar munching on peanuts and drinking a beer. We'd never seen him before and really wanted to meet him. We tried flirting but it just didn't seem to be working. Actual words on our part would be needed to meet this fine looking man.


    Summing up the courage that only youth and booze could give I called out, "Hey, wanna share your peanuts with me?" Only the words that actually came out of my mouth were "Hey, wanna share your penis with me?" He ended up sharing his peanuts but kept him penis to himself.


    38.  Let's see... About 13 years ago I got my first "real" job. It was in the Finance Dept. at Bellingham, WA's City Hall. I made sure my outfit matched from head to toe and I even wore nylons so as to be professional. The building was quite old with a grand marble foyer, etc. Unfortunately, as in many older buildings, the restrooms were inconvenient and quite small. They were located in at the opposite end of the building from my office. Because I wanted to make the best impression possible I held off going until the last possible moment. I dashed through the throngs of people there for permits, court dates, etc. and made it just in time. When finished I washed my hands, smoothed my hair and with as much dignity as I could muster, walked calmly back through the masses of people in the lobby, wove through the permit seekers in the Finance office maze and arrived back at my corner office. When I sat down the chair felt strangely cold. I reached behind me only to discover that the back of my skirt was tucked completely into my nylons and my backside was completely exposed.


    39.  I had a rather embarrassing moment in university.  My girlfriends and I had gone out to a club.  One of the cool, trendy ones.  So we got all dressed up.  Pretty skirts, nice heels etc.  At one point a couple of us went to the powder room.  Afterwards, I walked out ahead of my friends.  I went up to the bar, asked for a fresh drink.  While I was waiting, a complete stranger came up to me and said,” Your skirt is caught in your pantyhose"!  Too bad one my "friends" didn't say something first!


    39.  When I was 16, me and a bunch of friends decided to go to the movies.  Well, the only movie we wanted to see was "The Dead Zone" which was rated R and we were too young to buy tickets. So we bought tickets to another movie and decided to sneak in and see the movie we wanted to.  The movie had already started and it was a very dark nighttime scene on the screen.  We ducked into the back row and tried to find seats.  One of my friends step all over this couple's feet, the next one tried to sit on the girl's lap and I sat down next to my friends. I handed my friend my popcorn and struggled for a minute to open my box of Snowcaps and after I couldn't I turned to my friend and asked him if they could open it.  That's when I realized I had sat down next to the couple and my friends were further down the aisle.  I'm glad it was dark because I am sure my face turned bright red.


    40.  Before my husband was a potter he was in remodeling especially putting in replacement windows. I helped him out sometimes and thought I knew a lot about windows.

    One summer I went to visit my high school friend Wendy. She lived in a big old house. It was so hot in her house as she had big old windows that she couldn't open. I could see they were painted shut so I got a screwdriver and a hammer and chiseled away at the old paint. We finally raised the windows and thought that it was considerably cooler in the house. We went shopping and when we returned Wendy daughter Whitney was there. We asked her how she liked all the fresh air in the house. She answered..Fine except you forget to raise the storm windows. Well the window installer’s wife strikes again...we laughed and laughed. Guess with all our hard work we just thought it was cooler. We still laugh about it till this day.


    41.  Where this isn't really THAT embarrassing, it is funny.

    So, let's go back to July of 2005. I'm 9months pregnant an anxiously awaiting the arrival of

    my little bundle of joy. The doctor tells me I'm dilated to 3 and it should be "any day now".

    The words a pregnant mom dreads hearing but hears a lot more than you might think.

    So, it's Saturday night, I'm huge, tired, anxious and above all else, bored.

    DH and I decide to take our minds off the anticipation, by playing monopoly.

    We arrange the board and pieces on the living room floor so that my ever growing behind

    doesn't have to suffer in dining room table chair for an hour.

    Everything seems to be going fine, he's kicking my butt, racking up money and property while

    I'm just trying not to land on Boardwalk and lose it all.

    I lean forward to move my piece, the little thimble of course, and feel a RUSH of "fluid" come pouring out onto the floor. My first thought, "Oh hell I just peed my pants. Great."

    On second thought I realized, I didn't just pee my pants but rather, my water broke.

    I jump up and run to the bathroom, all the while my DH and his friend are cracking up laughing at how

    crazy I must look running and screaming about peed pants. I beg him to get me new underwear and pants, while squatting over the toilet as to not soak the floor more. He does, but not before calling the doctor, his mom, and mine.

    Finally, I get some dry pants on and we grab my overnight bag and head to the hospital. Three pairs of wet pants later, I'm admitted and ready to have my little one.

    A great birth story for our kids and grandkids, but equally embarrassing for me.


    42.  **Finalist** I work in a hospital lab and on weekends I have to draw blood sometimes. One trip to the ER and Dr. Johnson (who you can actually joke with) was there coughing. He said, "Sorry. Hairball."


    Without even thinking, I said, "Have you been licking yourself again, Dr. Johnson?"


    Instantly mortified. Like, OMG what did I just say to a DOCTOR!


    Without missing a beat, dear Dr. J responded with, "Well, everyone has to have a hobby..."


    I am STILL emotionally scarred from that day...


    43.  **Finalist** Back in junior high, many moons ago, there was a movie night. Well, at some point, I had to pee and as we all know girls travel in packs so I took a traveling partner with me. There were two stalls in the girls' bathroom. I went into the farthest one and my friend into the one next to it. The one I picked was of course out of paper but I didn't notice until dropping my pants and cutting loose. So I asked for some to be handed under the divider. But my friend had other ideas and was tossing popcorn over the top. Now, my friend was not a small girl and these dividers were not secured very well to the wall. The next thing I knew the whole thing came crashing down on top of me and pinned me to the toilet. My friend freaked and took off running and screaming down the hallway, while I sit trapped with my pants around my ankles petrified of who was going to walk through the door. Well, just about everyone did, the principal, the teachers, other students, it was like a parade through the bathroom, not to mention that it took like 4 people to lift the wall off of my trapped leg as I scurried to get my pants pulled up as quickly as possible. Everyone else was worried about the possibility of broken bones I just wanted my lady bits covered. No injuries were sustained, just a few bruises but people did write in my year book about how they would always remember me because of "the bathroom wall falling on me." What a way to be remembered.

    44.  You don't want to hear about the grim reaper who renewed our vows in Vegas who needed to repeat our names over and over to make sure he remembered them, and we had to keep saying "again" whenever he mentioned joining in union.....or the bar at the stratosphere my girlfriend and I apparently danced on and put quite the show on (ok, I do not remember any of that but there is photographic evidence so, my case is very thin) I have pulled a Marilyn as well in the street downtown Boston, lost my bathing suit at the beach in Honolulu.... but the one that comes to mind right now is this one.

    Pt Defience zoo, polar bear exhibit. I have my 2 year old daughter, in laws and hubby there. The polar bear was being entertained with a large rubber red ball. I thought nothing of it but I spoke to my daughter about the bear playing with his ball, his red ball, etc etc. Apparently a group of guys standing near us was listening in, as well as the in-laws and hubby and taking a dirty interpretation to the conversation. Hubby says the guys ended up just losing it laughing and had to leave. Hubby kept telling me to be quiet but I was so blonde I did not even notice and kept on talking about the polar bear and his ball. I was mortified after hubby explained to me what they all found so funny. Sigh, oh well. They pick on me still, 14 years later about this!


    45.  When I was around 8 months pregnant and HUGE! my husband used to love to mess with people who'd ask when I was due.


    Like this:

    Movie ticket kid - When are you due?

    My husband: What do you mean??? Did you just call my wife fat?


    He used to think this was hysterical. I have to agree it was kinda funny but also very embarrassing!


    46.  Okay- embarrassing stories- I am a teacher, so I have my share of them.  One September, I walked into my class, and realized that the summer school had used my chairs, because most of the plastic seats had been broken.

    Soooo-when the kids sat on them, they risked a nasty pinch on their bottoms if they weren't careful!!! Soo- I ended up ordering replacement seats for the chairs (a simple process of snapping them in place once the old one had been removed).  When the box came, I hefted it up to my room, announced what was in the box, and asked-"If anyone has a crack in their seat, please stand up."  They all did.  Grade 7 can be so funny sometimes.  (Yeah- interviews with parents were interesting that year!)


    47.  International Talk Like a Pirate Day, September 19, 2006.  I am standing on the BART platform, gaily knitting away on my latest transit project (a snake scarf for my Girlie) and listening to the Quirky Nomads podcast. I've been dying to talk like a pirate all day, but "business decorum" rules where I work. I can't be taken seriously as a professional, if I'm talkin' like a pirate.  And the business world doesn't know nothin' about International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arrrrrr.....

    Then a man walks up behind me in the queue, He's wearing an unbuttoned white dress shirt, but I can see the black t-shirt underneath is emblazoned with the Jolly Roger.  Finally, a kindred spirit! Someone who understands the weird and wacky world in which I live. Someone with a keen sense of humor and an appreciation of all things piratical.

    "Ahoy!"  I say out loud with a great big smile, "It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day!....Today.....Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr..."

    And he says, "Okay..." and quickly turns away from the crazy lady with the pointy sticks, buttons up his plain white over shirt, and anonymously joins a quiet queue down the platform


    48.  So… this could have been worse, and I could doctor up the end to make it so, but here it is as it happened.


    Background… I’d been swimming at the Y.  I needed a new swimsuit. 

    The story…  

    I’m in the locker room, taking a pee prior to heading to the pool.  Now, don’t know about you, but when I’m in a one-piece and just have to pee, well, the suit just gets slipped to the side to take care of business… 

    Leave the toilet stall and see the big old mirror.  Say to self, “I wonder just how tired this suit is, I mean is the ass sagging or is it totally see-through?” 

    What do I see? 

    A wad of toilet paper hanging from the back crotch of the suit. 

    I am SO GLAD I had enough vanity to look.  Imagine heading into the pool with the paper hanging there.  I would never swim there ever again!!!  Not that I have since, because like I said, I need a new suit.


    49.  1980 or so.  College bar at Syracuse University called the Jabberwocky.  We discover when we’re there that it’s a Frank Zappa costume contest. 

    I’m drinking with a couple of guy buddies, I think my boyfriend and two other guys. 

    I see this man without his shirt, with a beer in each hand and two water balloons somehow attached to his chest.  He is ‘Titties and Beer’ (the theme of the contest was to come dressed as a Zappa song).  Now at 34DD and at 19 years old, I thought… I can do way better than that! 

    So, off with the shirt, off with the bra, head over to the bar to order two beers and I joined the contestants.  

    I think we both tied for 2nd or 3rd place.  I have no idea who won. 

    The embarrassment…  a year or so later I’m working at an off-campus sandwich and beer joint (Hungry Charlie’s), and one of the guys there is taking a long hard look at me… “I know you” he says.  He hems and haws and thinks and ponders.  About a week later he has it… yes, he was there at the Jabberwocky that night.  He said when he first came into the bar he thought I was in a bodysuit, and his eyes just about popped when he realized I wasn’t.  He was one of those ‘safe’ guys, with a great and long term woman, so there was no lechery on his end… but he did seem pretty happy and satisfied that he saw something the other guys I worked with didn’t.


    50.  Ok, my best/most embarrassing moment happened in (where else?) junior high. It was the last week of school (thank the gods) and there was a sort of pep rally thingy. Half the school was there because only half the school would fit into the gymnasium seating at a time. So I get called up to do a stunt and I run over to the side of the gym where they had set up the stage. I took off my glasses and was blind folded and was given a licorice whip and was told it was a licorice eating contest. I had to eat the whip as fast as I could without using my hands. I ended up kissing a blindfolded basket ball player...

    That was bad enough, but when I took off my blindfold and was done being appropriately abashed, I had to find the girl who took my glasses. I got them, put them on, turned around, and realized I was the last one on stage. So I dash off across the gym to my seat. Half way there, in the middle of the gym, before half of my junior high school, I tripped. I tripped royally and fell flat on my face. My first thought was 'oh shit'. What could I do? Half the school was laughing at me, and the other half would be as soon as the assembly was over. So I did the only thing I could do. I took a bow. I bowed deep and walked (carefully) back to my seat.


    51. **Finalist**  Years ago I had a ferret…..that was named Tootsie…..but I would call her “Tooter”….I have no idea why. 

    As a student I couldn’t WAIT till my clinical when I could wear white….in those days we students had to wear all white.    

    I was INCREDIBLY nervous…..first day….I wanted to look professional, not look like the nervous dork that I was……so I took a few minutes prior to leaving for the hospital to sit on the couch and play with my ferret….just to calm my nerves. 

    Fast forward to walking into the department……in the middle of some crisis and being told to go to the lounge and wait.  Pretty soon everyone starts coming in for “break” time. 

    Feeling like I had been forgotten (which I was)…..and not very good at making conversation I thought it best to sit and be quiet…..after a bit of awkwardness….mainly on my part….looking around…you know…scrambling for anything to say so I wouldn’t look stuck up…..I glance down and discovered that I was covered in ferret fur… which point I started brushing off my lap…..and in a nervous, loud voice announced to everyone in the department….”good grief….I’m covered in tooter hair”…..dead silence…..snickers….while everyone was walking out I was trying to explain that “Tooter” was my ferret…..they didn’t buy it!!!   

    Thank GOODNESS I had pictures of my ferret!!  OH MY!!!


    52.  As a mom of five children, there have been many funny moments over the past almost 30 years.  However, just this past November, my fourth child, Rebekah, was enrolled in a communications class at Georgia Perimeter College which required her to make a "persuasive" speech to a group of people that she had invited together and to videotape herself giving said speech.  She also had to videotape the group at the beginning of the presentation to validate the attendance. 

    Accordingly, she wrote her speech and proceeded to gather eight (the required number) family members and friends to hear her presentation.  The only problem was that she could only get seven of us who could all come at the same time.  So, thinking on her feet as only a 17yo can, she figured out a way around the required number. 

    Our den is located immediately behind our kitchen and next to our dining room.  You can make a circuit going from the den through to the dining room, back through the kitchen, and then into the den from the opposite end.  Bekah figured  out that she could videotape her best friend at one end of the den, pan to the other end showing the remaining attendees while her friend sprinted around the circuit I just described and then reappeared in disguise at the opposite end of the den, holding a handkerchief over her face, hacking and coughing. 

    Everything would have worked out except for our 80 year old aunt who couldn't resist an encouraging word to the friend, "Run, Kim, RUN!" each time we tried to videotape it.  After the third time, we gave up, hysterically laughing.   

    Only goes to show - cheaters never win.  <wink> 

    Hope you enjoy it!


     53 .I'm an American living in Zurich Switzerland. Soon after I'd moved here (speaking no German), I realized I really needed a lint brush. I'm a spinner, so I generate a lot of lint. I looked in every store I shopped in for some weeks but couldn't find one (since the store arrangement schemes here are a bit hard for me to understand), so finally I broke down and decided to ask someone. I went into my neighborhood pharmarcy (pharmacies here are really mostly just the pharmacy counter without all the drug store stuff out front) and when the really cute guy who works there came up, I asked if he spoke english. He did. I had found that english combined with liberal hand gestures was quite effective, so I said I was "looking for something to remove the hair" while making what I considered to be a lint-brushing motion on my shirt. He said, "aha!" and quickly turned to the rack displaying the bikini wax products. I was horrified, as the motion I'd made had been on my chest, as though I had some virulent chest hair problem I needed to deal with. I turned and ran out of the shop, vowing to look up the critical word in german before ever attempting something like that again.